Solicited Solitude

You silently watched the classroom. The boys were up to their usual mischief and the girls were gathered in groups, talking. Slowly they glanced over at you and started whispering. You hadn't lowered your gaze, you just continued to observe.

Then you could see their facial expressions change as they stole glances of you. They were talking in barely audible whispers, but talking nonetheless. You knew they were talking about you. It wasn't a presumption, you just knew. You could feel it in your gut. Yet, you continued to keep watch.

And just on queue, there came those judgmental looks- just as you had anticipated. They looked at you with bitter eyes, their faces twisting. You then wore a satisfied smile on your face, and finally lifted your unwanted gaze.

You sat alone at the back of the class, and took out a notepad. You continued to scribble away. Writing had always helped you relax, and you figured you might as well get some work done.

And before you knew it, you had started ranting about life.

---

'People ask me why I prefer to be alone. Little do they know, they're the main reason. Whenever I associate myself with society I always end up going down the drain.

I get shouted at, I get mocked, I get belittled, I get confused, I get betrayed, I get sad, I get angry, I get hurt.

It seems the only person not out to get me was me.

I have come to hate people, my closest friends and family included. I have come to distancing myself from everyone I knew. I just didn't like them anymore.

Turns out, the feeling's mutual.

People tell me I have no heart. They tell me I have no regard for someone's feelings. They call me cold-blooded.

How was I supposed to have a heart when you had ripped it out? How was I to treasure someone's feelings when mine were trampled upon? Tell me, who was the cold-blooded one now?

I don't want to constantly fight. I just want to be left alone, to go about my own business.

The unfortunate truth is, when you desperately need someone, no one is there for you. But when you desperately want to be alone, people just don't let you be.

It wasn't like this before. I used to smile with happiness. Now, I smile with hollowness.

And I just don't know if that void will be ever filled again.


---

You closed your notepad shut, releasing a sigh. You put your blue mechanical pencil down. You looked around once again. Nothing had changed.

You found that ironic.

You always thought the world had changed when you stood still.

And as you saw one of the girls approaching you, you unconsciously braced yourself. All you ask for is to be left alone.

But then again this is life.

And the thing with life is, you don't always get want you want.



END.